One of the many truths I have internalized is this: God does have a plan for us. He has a plan for the pain and persecution that we face.
Yes, I still breakdown. I still have days of despair, I still have depression. I still struggle with all that has happened.  Despite this, I do know, without a doubt, there is a plan.
Maybe it's that through love and forgiveness I can show God's love. Maybe I will be able to guide someone else through this experience someday. Maybe I don't know the plan and I am grasping at straws to find one,  but there is a plan. It won't happen on my timetable, it will happen on His.
In the meantime I will share Love. I will illuminate. I will be bold.
"God look at me, I'm just a man
But You tell me I'm not just a man
You're so hard to understand, after all I'm just a man
God you tell me not to doubt
But I'm always plagued by doubt
And You always help me out
I'm so ashamed(of my doubt)"